From the Edge of Suicide to the Kinky Playground

My Journey from the Good Girl to the Kinky Entertainer.

There was a time when I thought my story was over. In July 2021, I sat on the couch of my Ukrainian, tattooed, red-headed therapist in Sofia, Bulgaria, drowning in suicidal depression. I had spent years buried under trauma, self-doubt, and the crushing weight of expectations — both from the world and from the voice inside my own head.

But I am still here.

And not just here. I am on a stage, in the spotlight, as a paid creative entertainer, producing immersive experiences that invite people to step into the most unexplored edges of their consciousness.

I went from the good girl — always playing by the rules, shrinking herself to fit — to the kinky entertainer, using play as a tool for radical self-acceptance, transformation, and empowerment.

And let’s be clear: this isn’t just about being kinky in the bedroom. It’s about liberation. It’s about creative rebellion. It’s about reclaiming the parts of ourselves we were taught to suppress.

This is the story of how I turned pain into power, fear into play, and shame into self-expression. And maybe, just maybe, it’s an invitation for you to do the same.

How It All Began. The Serendipitous Path to Kinky Playground.

The journey to creating and executing the concept for the Kinky Playground wasn’t planned. It started with my adventure at Manifestations - one of the hottest exhibitions on the Dutch Design Week 2024 program.

I was not only one of the floor managers at the exhibition, I also curated and hosted the exhibition shop — a beautifully chaotic blend of artworks by featured artists and pre-loved treasures. That’s where I met him. A random curly Dutch man. He came to capture video from the Manifestations experience.

Our conversation was brief, just seconds, but something clicked. I had a background in journalism and video storytelling, so naturally, I was curious about what he did. We exchanged contacts and kept in touch, mostly chatting about video and creative projects.

A few days later, with a few of my creative friends I was about to join a Halloween party in Eindhoven with a glow-in-the-dark theme. When I mentioned it to the videographer, he randomly asked, “Is it a kinky event?” I laughed — because it wasn’t. But his question sparked something in me.

Kink had always intrigued me, but I had no experience with this scene in the Netherlands. Back in Bulgaria, I had attended one open event with my former boyfriend and one invite-only event where we were just observers. That was it.

But here I was, being offered a door into something entirely new. The videographer connected me with the organizer of the I Love Kinky - a series of creative entertainment parties in the Netherlands with a decade of successful track record.

It was unfamiliar territory, and at first, I wasn’t sure what to make of it. The invitation came because I was a creative entertainer — someone who had already designed and hosted multiple large-scale glow-in-the-dark experiences. That was my entry point.

The organizer and I met in Amsterdam, in a bar near Central Station, in early November 2024. That’s when the invitation came.

“Would you like to do something for our 10-year anniversary event?”

I didn’t know exactly what I was getting into, but I said yes.

The Good Girl Bullshit Factory

I was raised to be "good." To be smart, successful, pleasing. To take care of others. To fit in. To look and behave the way a "proper" woman should.

Does this sound familiar?

For years, I complied. I achieved. I smiled when I was supposed to. I hustled, I fought, I burned out. And beneath it all, I hated myself.

I hated my body because the world had taught me it was never enough — too big, too small, too muscular, too soft. Always wrong.

I hated my emotions because they were "too much."

I hated my desires because they didn’t fit into the neat little box of who I was supposed to be.

I was a prisoner in my own skin.

Until I shattered. Until I found myself on that therapist’s couch, trying to put words to the darkness inside me.

The Rebellion: Creating My Own Rules.

I started playing. I started experimenting. I painted my body in color. I cooked food that looked like art. I stitched discarded materials into new, wearable stories. I allowed my body to move, to take up space, to exist without apology. And for the first time in my life, I stopped trying to be "good." I started to be FREE. To feel FREE.

That creative rebellion led me to create the Kinky Playground — a fully immersive, interactive experience where people explored intimacy, creativity, and self-expression in ways they never had before.

And here’s what I want you to understand. Kinky Playground was never about being "kinky" in the way people expect. It was about exploring the unexplored. Touching the untouchable. Giving ourselves permission to feel. Because here’s the truth. Kink is about play. Play is about curiosity. Curiosity is the antidote to shame. And when we dissolve shame, we set ourselves free.

Owning My Body, Owning My Power.

For years, I thought my body was a problem. At Kinky Playground, I stepped onto the stage showing 99% of my naked body and wearing a 99% upcycled outfit that I made myself for free by combining various discarded items.

This creative decision in and of itself was a statement of transformation and a courageous celebration of my life’s work. And for the first time, I wasn’t afraid. For the first time, I wasn’t asking for permission to be my full unapologetic self.

People loved my outfit and my body that night. But what mattered even more was that I loved them too.

I felt confident, powerful, untamed.

Because this body? It has carried me through a decade of reinvention. It carried me through a painful miscarriage and self-destructive compulsive eating behaviors. It carried me through self-hatred and artificial limitations. And then, it carried me into self-empowerment and healing through creative play.

At 35, I finally feel in my bones that my body is mine, and I own it completely. I love it for everything it's been and for everything it is today.

How do you feel in your body?

What would it feel like to love it without conditions?